On April 16, 2018, Sex and Psychology discussed research under a headline that swingers and polyamorists may have more satisfying sex lives than monogamists. The word "may" is doing real work. The samples, the measures, and the size of any difference stay on that page. This article will not upgrade the headline into "non-monogamy makes sex better," and it will not tell a monogamous person they are behind. Satisfaction research is a description of people who already chose a structure and were willing to be studied. It is not a treatment plan for your relationship.
What the headline cannot order you to do
- A possible difference in a study is not a reason to open a relationship.
- Swingers and polyamorists are not the same group. Do not cite one as proof about the other.
- People who are unhappy and hiding it do not show up evenly in satisfaction research.
- Monogamy is a valid agreement. It does not need a study to justify it.
- If sex is bad because of contempt, fear, or lies, a new partner will not repair that.
Who got counted
People who call themselves swingers or polyamorists and who answer a survey are people who can use those words. They have often already solved, or at least survived, the first fights about disclosure. Monogamous comparison groups can include people who wanted non-monogamy and did not get it, people who are content, and people who are miserable for reasons that have nothing to do with exclusivity. If a study finds a satisfaction gap, the gap may be about who opted in, about sexual frequency, about communication practice, or about something the study did not measure. The 2018 essay is the place to see which of those the underlying work actually claimed. Guessing the mechanism in a group chat is how a cautious headline becomes a brag.
Swingers, in the way most clubs use the word, center sex with other people and often keep romance at home. Polyamory, as people who use the word mean it, allows more than one romantic relationship. An open relationship can sit between them. A satisfaction result about one of those is not a result about all consensual non-monogamy. If you want the structure, name the structure. Do not say "the research says non-monogamy has better sex." The studies are not one result about one practice.
Satisfaction is a report, not a prize
Sexual satisfaction in these studies is something people say about their own lives. It is not an observer scoring your technique. A person can report satisfying sex and still be a careless partner about barriers, time, or honesty. A person can report unsatisfying sex and still be someone you should not leave for a headline. Use the finding, if you read it, as a reason to ask what the satisfied respondents actually do: do they disclose, do they schedule, do they allow a no. Those behaviors can be copied inside monogamy too. You can ask for the sex you want without asking for a second relationship. How to ask is in how to talk to your partner about kink and, for non-kink structure, in how to find a partner who wants non-monogamy.
Do not show the article to a partner as a verdict. "Swingers are more satisfied, so we should swing" is pressure that happens to mention a citation. The citation does not date you. Your partner can want satisfying sex and still refuse other people. Their refusal is not a refusal of science. If you need non-monogamy and they need monogamy, you are incompatible on that term. Ending the relationship is allowed. Ambushing them with a study after they said no is not a comparison. It is a campaign.
What to compare in your own house
If you are deciding whether to change a structure, compare conduct, not a published mean. In the last month, did you both tell the truth about attraction and about sex you already had? Did anyone punish a no? Is there time for the relationship you already have, before you add another? Are barriers and testing discussed without a fight? Are you opening this because you are curious, or because you already had sex with someone else and need a story? The second reason is an affair. Renaming it will not raise anyone's satisfaction. Myths in that neighborhood are in what people get wrong about polyamory.
Jealousy will change the satisfaction numbers inside a real house faster than a paper will. If you cannot talk about a late text without surveillance or insults, you are not ready to add a person who will generate more late texts. The practical handling is in the jealousy article. A satisfied sample is not a group that never felt jealous. It is, at best, a group that had some way to keep going. You still have to build the way.
Kink events are not a satisfaction intervention
A play party is a room with rules, not a cure for a dull marriage. Buying tickets because a headline promised better sex skips the agreement. Go if you both want the event, you have said what you will and will not do, and each of you can leave. Do not go in order to become the kind of person a study described. The people in the study were not assigned a weekend by a blog. Consent at the party is in the play-party article.
If the sex you have is frightening, coerced, or something you endure to keep housing, satisfaction research is the wrong department. That is safety. The patterns are in the abuse article. In the United States the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233 and thehotline.org. If you are in crisis, call or text 988. A more satisfying sample does not include a duty to stay for the sex you are surviving.
Read the 2018 piece if you want the finding with its limits. Then put it down. The sex you have next is the sex someone agreed to this week, inside the structure you both named. A headline cannot improve it. Honesty about what you want, and a partner who is free to say no, can.
If you already opened the relationship and the sex got worse
The headline will not comfort you, and it should not be used to tell you that you failed a natural advantage. Sex can get worse after an opening because the calendar collapsed, because someone lied, because a new partner is being prioritized, or because the original couple stopped touching each other and called that freedom. Those are local problems. Fix the local problem or end the structure. Do not add a third partner to outrun a second partner you are already neglecting. Do not demand more sex from a spouse to prove the study still applies to you.
A useful review is monthly and short. Did we keep the disclosure rule? Did anyone have sex that was not agreed? Did either of us avoid the other because of a date? Is there one change to the schedule that would make the next month kinder? If the answers are no, no, no, and none, you may be fine and the satisfaction question is idle. If the answers are ugly, the study is irrelevant until the ugly part is named. Write the name down. "You had a date on our only shared night and did not tell me until morning" is a name. "We are less satisfied than swingers" is not.
Monogamous couples who are satisfied do not need to defend themselves against this literature. If someone at a munch treats your exclusivity as a lack of evolution or a lack of courage, you can leave the conversation. Your sex life is not a poster for their identity. The same courtesy runs the other way. A swingers' club is not a place to lecture people that their sex is a coping mechanism. Both lectures are status moves. Neither is a finding.
If you want better sex inside the agreement you already have, ask for the specific act, the specific time, and the specific limit. One change. Then wait long enough to know whether it helped. That method is slower than a headline and it is the one that does not recruit an unwilling person into a structure so you can chase a mean score you have not even read.
What to do with a number if you actually read one
If the 2018 page or the paper under it reports a difference, copy the difference with the groups named and the sample named, or do not copy it. "More satisfied" without a measure is a slogan. Sexual satisfaction, relationship satisfaction, and frequency are not the same item. A group that has more sex is not automatically a group that keeps better agreements. Say which item you mean. Then say what you will not infer: you will not infer that your monogamous partner owes you a hall pass, and you will not infer that a polyamorous friend is fine because a mean score was fine.
Bring practical questions to your own sex life instead of the mean. When did you last ask for something specific and receive a clear yes or a clear no? When did you last accept a no without a debt? Is there a sexual act you both want that you have not scheduled because you are busy performing a structure? Monogamous couples skip sex because of resentment and logistics. Non-monogamous people skip sex with each other because the new relationship ate the week. The repair is often a scheduled hour and a ban on score-keeping, not a new identity. Try the hour before you try the identity.
If you teach or host, do not put this headline on a slide as a recruiting tool. Students and guests are allowed to be monogamous and sexually satisfied. They are allowed to be non-monogamous and disappointed. Your event's job is the code of conduct, not a morale poster about whose sex is better. If a presenter cannot discuss the finding without insulting half the room, cut the slide. The room did not come to be ranked.