On March 9, 2020, Sex and Psychology published "Fantasies About Being 'Forced' To Have Sex Are Common, Here's Why". The column discusses why those fantasies show up for some adults. This page does not restate how common they are, and it does not invent a cause. Samples, methods, and figures stay on that page. A fantasy is not consent. This article does not write a scene. If anyone ever negotiates resistance play, a stop has to work, and it has to be tested before the play, not during a panic.
Lines that do not move
- A fantasy of force is not a request to be forced, and it is not permission to force anyone.
- Consensual non-consent, if it happens at all, is a prior agreement between adults who can stop it.
- Do not spring a force theme on someone at a party, in bed, or by text.
- An accusation of a real assault is not answered by citing a fantasy.
- If you cannot tell a fantasy from a real no, do not play.
What the column is doing, and what you are not doing with it
The March 9, 2020 column is a psychology explanation aimed at readers who recognize the fantasy in themselves or in survey research. Read it there if you want that explanation. Do not lift a number into an argument with a partner. Do not tell someone their fear is "actually common, so they should try it." Commonness, whatever the source page says about it, is not a yes. A room full of people who have imagined something is still a room full of people who must be asked, one by one, before anyone touches them.
This page will not describe a rape, a struggle, or a script. It will not tell you what to say in character. It will not tell you how to hold someone down. Those details are how accidents and assaults get dressed up as education. If you want the difference between a private fantasy and a negotiated kink, read CNC fantasies and the line after #MeToo and why a rape fantasy is not a request. Then come back to the rule: no scene exists until the adults involved have agreed in plain language, while they can still change their minds without a performance.
Fantasy is not consent
People imagine sex they would never want to live through. They imagine force, capture, or a partner who will not listen, and the imagination can be arousing precisely because it is not real. The safety inside the fantasy is the fact that the person imagining it is also the author. They can close the thought. A partner who acts the fantasy out without a prior yes removes that safety. What is left is someone else deciding what happens to a body. That is not a misunderstood kink. That is a boundary violation. If it is sex without consent, it is assault, including when the people know each other, including when they have had consensual sex before.
Mentioning a fantasy is not a scene offer. Someone might say it in a joke, in a confession, in therapy, or in a late conversation they expected to stay talk. The ethical response is to ask whether they want to keep talking, and to accept no. It is not to "surprise" them later because they "brought it up." Store the information as private. Do not repeat it to friends. Do not file it as a permanent green light. Desire changes. Trust changes. A sentence from March does not govern September.
Your own fantasy is not a request you are making to the world. You can keep it in your head. You can write it in a journal nobody else reads. You can tell a partner, with a clear frame: this is fantasy, I am not asking you to do it, and I will not be hurt if we never do it. If you cannot say that frame and mean it, do not tell them yet. Get clearer first. A kink-aware therapist can help you separate arousal from intent. See how to find a kink-aware therapist.
If two adults ever negotiate resistance play
Some adults do negotiate consensual non-consent or resistance themes. This page will not coach the content of that play. It will name the minimum conditions, because skipping them is how people get hurt. Both people are adults. Both people can leave. The talk happens before any role, while everyone is sober enough to follow a sentence, and while nobody is already in the middle of sex. They name what is in bounds and what is never in bounds. They name a stop that does not depend on guessing. They test the stop on purpose, in a calm moment, before any intense play: one person uses the stop, the other person stops completely, and they notice whether stopping was fast and real. If the test fails, there is no scene. They do not "try anyway."
A stop has to work even when it is inconvenient, even when someone is close to orgasm, even when an audience is watching, even when the person stopping was the one who asked for the theme. "Stop," a safeword, or a pre-agreed signal all fail if the other person argues, slows down instead of stopping, or says the signal "does not count" in the scene. If you need the argument, you are not ready. Public dungeons may ban this theme outright. A house ban ends the plan. Do not relocate it to a dark corner. Read consent practices and the event rules before you assume a private agreement travels into a club.
Do not negotiate this while impaired. Do not negotiate it for a first meeting. Do not use a contract, a collar, or a relationship title as a standing yes. Do not tell a partner that backing out means they are prudish, disloyal, or abusive for "leading you on." Backing out is the point of consent. If the talk itself includes threats, you are not in a negotiation. You are in a dangerous conversation. Leave, and use help.
A real assault is not a fantasy debate
If someone says they were assaulted, do not answer with the March 9, 2020 column. Do not say that people fantasize about force, so the report is probably a fantasy, a regret, or a kink they will not admit. That response protects offenders and isolates victims. Fantasy research does not cross-examine a disclosure. Believe the person enough to stop the debate, get them away from the person they named if that is what they want, and point them toward help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. If someone is in crisis, call or text 988. If a crime is in progress or someone is in immediate danger, call emergency services.
Community status does not change the duty. A presenter, a monitor, a dominant, or a popular guest can assault someone. A prior consensual scene does not erase a later no. A victim who has rape fantasies, or who has done consensual resistance play with other people, can still be assaulted. The fantasy and the assault are different events. Do not demand access to their sexual history in order to decide whether you believe them. You are not the court, and you are not owed that file. For patterns inside relationships, read partner abuse in kink communities.
If you are the person who was harmed, you do not have to sort the philosophy before you get support. A fantasy you have had does not mean you consented. A kink identity does not mean you consented. Shame about arousal does not mean you consented. You can talk to a clinician, a hotline, or a friend who will not cross-examine you. You can also choose not to tell the community. Privacy about the harm is yours.
Texts are a bad place to invent a yes
People try to move this theme into chat because saying it out loud feels harder. A text thread can be a record, which is useful, and it can also be a place where tone collapses. "Kidnap me sometime" can be a joke, a fantasy mention, or a real request, and the reader does not get to pick the hottest reading. If you talk about force fantasies by text, label the frame in the same message: fantasy only, not a request, or "I want to discuss whether we ever negotiate this, and I can hear no." Do not send a play-by-play of an assault as a flirt. Do not send it to someone you have not already agreed to exchange explicit messages with. Unsolicited sexual descriptions are harassment even when the sender calls them a fantasy.
Do not treat an old emoji, a roleplay transcript, or a deleted message as a standing yes. If you ever move from chat to an in-person agreement, do that agreement face to face or in a live conversation where both people can ask questions, while nobody is already having sex. Read the chat back. Ask, "Does this still match what you want, or were we only telling a story?" Then test the stop before any resistance theme, as the earlier section requires. If the chat partner is drunk, half asleep, or typing one-word answers, stop the conversation. Sleep and intoxication are not a style of consent. This page will not teach sleep sex. A person who cannot track the talk cannot agree to it.
Parties, partners, and the story you tell yourself
At a play party, do not start a force scene because the music is loud and the other scenes look intense. Do not grab someone to "see if they fight back." Do not treat a freeze, a nervous laugh, or silence as a role. Silence is not a script. If you are staff, interrupt any scene that was not checked in, that ignores a stop, or that the house does not allow. Guests do not have to investigate. They can find a monitor. If you are unsure whether what you saw was negotiated, that uncertainty is a reason to get a monitor, not a reason to keep watching.
Inside a relationship, do not keep a secret plan to "make the fantasy come true." Surprise is the wrong gift. The talk is the gift, and the talk might end in a no. You can stay together without this theme. You can end a relationship that only works if one person overrides the other. You cannot claim the 2020 column made the choice for you. Researchers do not consent on behalf of your partner.
If the fantasy frightens you because you worry you will harm someone, do not test that worry on a person. Stop dating around the theme, get clinical support, and do not put yourself in situations where you "might lose control." Adults are responsible for the moment before they act. A fetish, a fantasy, or a diagnosis is not a switch that removes that responsibility. If you have already harmed someone, stop, do not contact them to relitigate their fantasy life, and follow whatever legal and ethical duties apply where you live. This page will not help you hide it.