Casual partners have sex that includes BDSM and group sex, and so do people in romantic relationships. Casual does not mean unspoken. Sex and Psychology compared experiences with BDSM and group sex among friends with benefits and romantic partners on December 20, 2017, in Experiences With BDSM And Group Sex Among Friends With Benefits And Romantic Partners. The figures and methods stay on that page. This article does not invent which group does more of either behavior. A friends-with-benefits agreement does not include kink or group sex unless those acts are named. East Coast Kink Events publishes this for adults who use "we're casual" as a reason to skip the talk.
Key takeaways
- Read the December 20, 2017 column for the comparison. Do not guess whether friends with benefits or romantic partners do more BDSM or more group sex.
- A friends-with-benefits agreement covers only what you named. Kink and group sex are extra agreements.
- Every adult agrees to each act. A couple, or a pair of friends, cannot consent for a third.
- A fantasy is not a plan. Barriers and a stop are separate yeses, and a casual dynamic uses the same stop as a serious one.
- Minors are never partners, props, or audience. Knowing each other well is not a substitute for the talk.
What the comparison cannot settle
The column looks at BDSM and group sex in two kinds of relationships: friends with benefits, and romantic partners. Who reported what, and how the study asked, stays on that page. This article will not declare a winner. "Casual partners are more into kink" and "committed partners are more into kink" are both claims this page refuses to invent. If you want the findings, open the column. If you want a scene, ask the specific adults, and do not cite a winner you cannot show them.
Relationship labels are local. One pair means "friends with benefits" as sex without romance and without other partners. Another pair means sex among friends who are also free to date. Another pair is romantic and monogamous. Another is romantic and non-monogamous. The 2017 categories are the study's categories. Your category is the one you and your friend actually described to each other. If you never described it, you have a habit, not an agreement.
Habits are how people get hurt. You have had sex several times, so one of you assumes impact play is included. You have watched porn together, so one of you assumes a threesome is included. Assumptions are not yeses. The next new act is a new conversation, even if the friendship is old.
Name kink or it is not in the agreement
BDSM covers many acts, from light restraint to heavy impact to power exchange that lasts beyond the night. A friends-with-benefits talk that says "sex" has not approved any of them. If you want a specific practice, name it. Name the body parts, the tool if there is one, and the stop signal. Name whether the power exchange ends when you get dressed. Friends who return to a regular social life the next day need that ending to be explicit.
Public play is a further naming. "We have sex at my apartment" is not "we will do a scene at a dungeon where people we know might see us." Say whether names, clubs, and photos are allowed. A friend may be willing to have private sex and unwilling to be known as your play partner at a hotel takeover. Both choices can fit a casual relationship. Only the choice they state is available.
This page will not give methods for choking, sleep sex, fire, needles, suspension, blood play, scat, or a rape scene. Casual sex does not create a beginner exception for those limits. A person who is asleep cannot agree. Staged non-consent, if that is the real subject, starts at CNC fantasies and the line after #MeToo and still requires a separate yes. Ordinary negotiation habits are on BDSM consent practices.
Group sex is also a separate yes
A friends-with-benefits agreement between two people does not include a third. It does not include your other friend, your date, or a couple you met at a party. Group sex adds adults who can each revoke consent. Every one of them agrees to each act. The original pair cannot consent for the new person, and the new person cannot consent for the pair.
Tell the truth about the existing friendship. A third adult should know they are joining friends who have sex, not a romantic couple, if that is the fact, because the morning-after expectations differ. They should also know if either friend has other partners. Barriers are a separate yes from the yes to join. The stop signal is a separate yes. Anyone, including someone who is only watching, can use it.
Do not add a friend to a group plan because they are "easygoing" or "not the jealous type." Those are your labels. Their yes is a sentence they say about a described night. If you want a non-monogamous relationship with clearer romantic terms, say that instead of stretching a friends-with-benefits habit. How to find a non-monogamous partner is about naming the structure. A fantasy is not a plan.
At events, casual still means explicit
Kink events are full of people who play with friends, with partners, and with both. The building does not know which label you use, and it should not have to. You follow the posted rules either way. If the dungeon forbids sex, your friends-with-benefits arrangement does not smuggle intercourse into a rope bay. If photography is banned, your private comfort with each other does not lift the ban.
Do not skip the talk because you already know each other. Familiarity hides assumptions. Before you play in public, restate the acts, the stop signal, and whether this scene is something you will acknowledge if a mutual friend walks by. Decide a place to cool down. Friends still need aftercare, and they also need a way to return to the friendship if the scene was awkward. Awkward is allowed. Silence about it is how friendships end badly.
For rooms where many people are sexual, read consent at an orgy or play party. A friends-with-benefits pair is not a unit that other guests can approach as one yes. Each friend answers for themselves. Minors are never partners, props, or audience. Do not bring a younger friend into sexual space because they "hang out with you anyway." Hanging out is not sexual consent, and a minor cannot give it.
Romance is not a moral upgrade
People sometimes treat romantic partners as the adults who negotiate, and friends with benefits as the adults who improvise. The column is there to be read on its own terms. This page's practical claim is simpler: both kinds of relationship can include BDSM or group sex, and both require the same clarity. Romance does not make a surprise scene acceptable. Casual sex does not make a stop signal optional.
Jealousy can show up in a friendship. So can hurt feelings when one friend starts a romance with someone else. Talk about those possibilities before group sex, not as a therapy session, but as logistics. What happens to the sexual friendship if one of you gets a partner who wants monogamy? What happens if one of you wants to stop having sex and keep the friendship? Answer in advance so nobody has to invent a policy while crying in a hotel bathroom.
If a friend uses the casual label to ignore your limits, mock your stop signal, or threaten your other relationships, the label is cover for abuse. In the United States, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. If you are in crisis, call or text 988. You can also tell event staff and read partner abuse in kink communities. Casual does not mean you have to absorb harm. The December 20, 2017 page can inform your reading. It cannot speak for your friend. Only your friend can do that, in words you both understand.
When the friendship changes shape
Friends-with-benefits arrangements end, pause, and turn into romance. Any of those changes cancels unspoken assumptions about kink and group sex. If one of you starts dating someone who expects monogamy, say so before the next sexual plan, not after. If you want to stay sexual friends, the new partner may need to know, and they cannot be informed by surprise. Their knowing is not the same as their joining. Group sex with the new partner is a new agreement among all the adults, not a bonus that came with the label.
If romance starts between the two friends, renegotiate from the beginning. The old casual rules may be too thin for a relationship, or they may be exactly what you still want. Do not assume commitment includes rougher play, public play, or other people. Do not assume commitment removes those things if you had them. Say what continues and what stops. A romantic pair still cannot consent for a third. A third who used to play with you as friends needs an explicit update before they are invited again.
Breakups and pauses need the same clarity. "We should stop having sex" includes stopping scenes, stopping group plans, and stopping sexual messages unless you both say a specific channel remains open. Delete shared explicit photos if either person asks. Do not use a kink event to "run into" someone who asked for distance and then call it fate. Choose a different night, or greet them in public and leave the sexual topic alone. The December 20, 2017 comparison cannot tell you which group you belong to after your life changes. You tell each other, in the present tense, before anyone's clothes come off. If the words do not match, wait. A friendship can survive a delay. A surprise scene is a good way to lose the friendship, so do not risk it.